


Who We Are

by 12hiccups



Category: One Direction (Band), Zayn Malik (Musician)
Genre: Alternate Canon, Angst, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Post-Hiatus
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-19
Updated: 2017-05-15
Packaged: 2018-05-27 14:23:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6288115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/12hiccups/pseuds/12hiccups
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He supposed sending an email wasn’t the best route to take. But, well, it had already been done. Hindsight is 20/20 and all that. At least he’d done something. That was better than silence. That was definitely better than picking up and leaving in the middle of a world tour, never bothering to tell your friends, people you’d claimed as your brothers, your plan. Harry would have settled for a phone call back then. Harry probably would have settled for an email. But he got nothing. No, sending an email was perfectly fine.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi. This is my first attempt at fic writing. I haven't done much proofreading so sorry for the errors. I guess just let me know what you think and if I should continue.

He supposed sending an email wasn’t the best route to take. But, well, it had already been done. Hindsight is 20/20 and all that. At least he’d done something. That was better than silence. That was definitely better than picking up and leaving in the middle of a world tour, never bothering to tell your friends, people you’d claimed as your brothers your plan. Harry would have settled for a phone call back then. Harry probably would have settled for an email. But he got nothing. No, sending an email was perfectly fine. If Zayn wanted to get pissy, Harry didn't care.

It was hard to tell himself that as he listened to BeFour for the third time in a row. He really should just put the song on repeat but he'd like to not sink that low. Yeah, he'll just keep actively clicking, just keep listening, just keep letting that anger build up. Zayn was such a pretentious asshole. So holier than thou. So full of bullshit. As if he was the only one who had to make sacrifices. As if he was the abandoned one. 

He'd almost convinced Harry of that the first few times he'd been interviewed. That’s how the email had gotten sent in the first place. He’d been keeping a few tabs on Zayn (and not telling anyone about it). He’d listened to what sounded like melancholy and regret. He’d heard about Liam and how he’d reached out. And that was just the icing on the cake. Of course Zayn had dropped that name, of course he had. So deliberate. Harry hadn’t talked to Liam about it, didn’t want to deal with whatever emotional baggage might pop up with that conversation. He also really didn’t want to confess to following Zayn so closely.

So, he sent the email in a moment of weakness, a moment where he had briefly thought he might have been at fault. He had had plenty of those moments. Zayn kept making him question his actions leading up until the middle of March in 2015. Should he have noticed? Should he have tried to include him more? No, Zayn was his own person. And Zayn never fought for Harry, before or after March.

It always boiled down to the fact that he just left. There was no discussion. He was gone.

And yet Harry was sitting here listening to BeFour feeling terrible for sending an email instead of giving a phone call or giving a house call. Why couldn't he ever allow himself to be angry without the guilt or sadness? But, that was Zayn. For Harry, that had always been Zayn.

He stopped the song. He liked to think he knew his limits, even though he’d been overstepping them a lot lately. His kitchen was empty, his house was empty. He had no real distractions. Being on break sounded great until you realized all of your friends would still had to work. He thought it would be relaxing, but it was mostly lonely. And it was easy to get caught up in your own thoughts. 

In an attempt to avoid that he decided to go grocery shopping. 

When he exited his house, there wasn’t a person in sight and for that he was thankful. He thought about what Jeff and his team would say. He remembered a meeting among thousands of meetings in which he was talked at, not to. 

_"We know you want to take a break."_

_"That’s fine. Our challenge then becomes keeping you relevant. So, you can have your break, but you’ve got to go out sometimes."_

_"The paparazzi are going to be your biggest friend for the next few months."_

Those kinds of words had been thrown around a lot. Jeff looked apologetic but stern. And then, after the meeting he’d pulled Harry aside.

_“Listen, I’m not trying to put pressure on you here. You understand that right?”_

_And Harry had nodded along but there must have been something in his face because Jeff didn’t stop there._

_“I know it’s none of my business but what’s going on? You love attention,” and then he quickly rephrased, “Not in a bad way. You’re just the most extroverted person I’ve ever met.”_

_Harry had given a sort of halfhearted answer about being tired and just wanting a break. “Yeah, well, if you need me or want to talk or whatever, you let me know. you gotta keep me in the loop. It’s me and you now.”_

Harry had really been in a funk ever since the band had ended. The adrenaline of touring was gone and there was no promise of a future and he was tired. To be honest, he was nervous, too. Everything had been planned for him until now. He was finally making his own decisions and he wasn’t even sure what decisions he wanted to make. He’d never voice it out loud and most of the time he denied it, even to himself, but he was the one everyone was looking at. Everyone had expectations. He’d been ready to let those expectations guide him, continue to follow his set plan. It would have been so easy.

But his mom had said something, his sister had said something, Jeff had said something. Anyone who’s opinion he’d placed actual value on had said something.

_“Now’s your chance to do what you want.”_

_“You should take your time and consider your options. Don’t get yourself stuck in a contract you don’t want.”_

_“Do you still want to be a singer?”_

_“Look at Zayn, man. He’s doing it. Look what we could do.”_

That last one had come from Niall in a surprising twist. Well, maybe not so surprising. Even if he was pretty sure Niall hadn’t talked to Zayn since the split, Niall had never been one to hold grudges, always the optimist. And Harry had always thought he was an optimist, too. But, something was blocking him. Something was in the way and he couldn’t move past it. Sometimes he felt like he didn’t want to move past it.

It all swirled in his head as it had for the past few months while he drove to the store. Once he got there, he found he couldn’t even remember most of the drive there, navigating on autopilot, stuck in his head. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been bored and writing at work and so I already have another chapter. Might as well post it right?

Liam’s face flashed across his phone screen. It was one of those in-bed-just-woke-up-and-I’m-posing-sexy selfies that had always made Harry laugh out loud. It brought a smile to Harry’s face even now, even after all the resentment he’d been feeling towards Liam lately. He knew it wasn’t Liam’s fault. Liam was one of the most genuine people Harry had met since he was sixteen.

Still, he was a little confused at the sudden call. Despite their semi-close relationship, Harry rarely talked to Liam outside of work. But, he supposed, they didn't really work together anymore either.

He answered. “Liam! Mate, what’s up?” Perhaps he was being a bit too enthusiastic but he didn’t want to take his recent bad mood out on his friend.

“Hey,” and Liam was smiling. It was always so easy to hear a smile in his voice, “I’m coming out to LA in a few and I already saw Tommo for a bit. Was thinking you and me could catch up.”

Of course Liam just wanted to get together. Liam thought of things like that. Liam remembered. Harry always forgot to call, always managed to somehow accidentally let relationships fizzle out.

“Yeah, sounds great. When you getting in? We’ll get lunch or something.”

~

Liam got in a few days later, early in the morning and Harry had offered to let him sleep off the jet lag before they met up. But Liam had texted him from the airport and said that he was feeling fine, just needed some food. So, they met up at a little café Jeff had taken Harry to once before. Liam showed up with a smile on his face and Harry who had been seated got up to hug him immediately. Their hug felt much too nostalgic for the few months they’d been apart.

Liam’s hands, of course, immediately went to Harry’s hair. “Haven’t chopped it off yet?” He tugged on a few strands.

“Nah, got a trim.”

“Looks good.”

They sat and they looked at the menus and they ordered and they talked and they ate and Harry felt pretty good. Liam had always been easy like that.

“Been in the studio a bit, nothing too big. Just been messin’ about,” then Liam got a little bit of a smirk on his face, “Heard you got yourself a movie. Gonna be the next Robert Pattinson?”

Harry had forgotten that the movie had been announced. He was looking forward to it. He had felt butterflies for the first time in a long time when he'd accepted the role. That's how he knew it was a good decision. 

“Yeah, I had Jeff and his dad ask around, talk to some people. Thought I might give it a try. But, I wanted it to be the right one, you know?”

Harry didn’t have to voice that he’d wanted to be taken seriously. Liam already knew that. The whole band had known that, felt that. It was hard to have your entire career delegitimized by your peers. It was actually the one part of Zayn’s sudden disappearance that everyone could understand. Even Louis.

“Ah, so not Pattinson. More like a Clooney.”

Harry smiled, “We’ll see.”

“Acting can’t be too hard. I’m sure you’ll be great.”

“And what about you? Being modest about that studio time. I’ve seen who you’ve been working with!”

Liam was proper blushing for a second, and then, seemingly before he could control himself, he said, “Zayn actually introduced me to a lot of guys.” He got a little hesitant towards the end, almost as if remembering who he was talking to.

Harry felt he did a pretty good job of keeping a level head, only commenting, “That’s cool, Liam.”

But, Liam didn’t let the conversation die and what once was hesitance turned into determination, “He’s doing great. We’ve met up a few times. I went over to his studio for a bit.”

Harry really didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t say anything, just picked at his salad.

Liam let the silence rest for a while, before speaking up again and his tone was much different. Harry looked up, startled, when he felt the undercurrent of anger.

“Look, I get you’re mad. You’re mad. Louis’ mad. Niall’s probably not mad but he’s also not answering my calls at the moment and I think it might be because he doesn’t have service,” Liam looked as if he was going to have a full on strop and Harry pushed down the desire to hiss _not here_. No one was looking at them. Might as well let it happen.

“I just think you need to get over it. No use holding a grudge. He’s over it, he’s doing well. You’re doing well. We’re all doing pretty fucking well. I think it’s time to move on. I’m sick of watching my words around everyone, walking on eggshells.”

Harry tried to pacify him, “It’s not that I hate him or anything. We’re just never gonna be friends again. That’s fine. If you want to be friends with him, that’s fine, too.”

“Maybe you should just call him. I felt better after I called him.”

Harry felt anger rise at that, “I’m really glad that worked out for you Liam but it’s not my responsibility to call the person who fucked me over and try to make amends. That’s on him.”

“So fucking stubborn,” Liam muttered under his breath.

Harry was done with this conversation, “Listen, I said I don't mind if you guys are friends. I’m not gonna comment on that. So, you don’t get to comment on my decisions. You do what you think is right and I will, too.”

The rest of the lunch was tense after that. Harry’s anger at Liam only intensified and the bill was paid quickly. They didn’t hug, just said goodbye with halfhearted promises to see each other soon. Harry drove home with his anger and settled himself on his couch, stewing.

Of course Liam could forgive Zayn and they would be friends and they’d stay in touch. Liam had always been easy like that. Even more so for Zayn. And Zayn had had a soft spot for him.

Harry remembered reading an article Zayn had mentioned Liam in. He remembered feeling so angry that it could be so easy for them and then feeling bad about not letting it be as easy for himself. That was what sparked the email in the first place. He’d sent it and he’d felt better for a few days. He felt better until it was a week with no response. He felt better until it was a few weeks later and Zayn was talking to reporters about it, saying, “I got an email. I don't even wanna say names.”

Liam had reached out and Zayn had acknowledged it, publicly. Harry reaches out and nothing. No response, not even a mention in the press. It wasn’t that Harry needed the public to validate him, but some recognition from Zayn would have been nice. Harry hadn’t owed him anything and he’d reached out anyway.

No, Zayn only acknowledged Liam. Harry could feel old insecurities rising and he knew Zayn wasn’t oblivious. Zayn had known what that name drop would do.

Fine, if he wanted to play it that way. If Liam wanted to place the blame on Harry. If an email wasn’t a good enough response. Then Harry could do better. Fine. Liam wanted him to make nice? Fine.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaaannnnnnd it's been forever. School's annoying. Here's another chapter. Hope you don't hate it.

He already knew where Zayn’s house was. At one point Kendall had texted him the address, telling him to come to some party Zayn was throwing. He hadn’t gone and no one had really expected him to. But, he still had the text. Surprisingly, he didn’t live far away. Well, maybe it wasn’t that surprising. The odds of him living very far weren’t all that great. L.A. was big but it wasn’t that big.

  
Harry had filtered through all of his relationships and found he had far too many connections to Zayn. Kendall was just the tip of the iceberg. It always seemed like everyone in L.A. knew everyone. Harry had liked that when he first moved. He’d always loved people and moving to the city had expanded his social circle by the hundreds almost automatically.

  
Once again, his old decisions were coming back to bite him in the ass. The place that once seemed so big now seemed unfairly small. He’d become part of the circle. He knew everyone, too. And, with everyone came Zayn’s friends, Zayn’s team and even Zayn’s girlfriend (though that last one was a person he spent a lot of time actively pushing from his mind).

  
So, Kendall had invited him to a party of Zayn’s once upon a time. And that hadn’t been the only time either. There had been so many parties or events that he’d been invited to and couldn’t attend. He was sure Zayn was doing the same thing on his end. Sure, they were different, but not that different. They had the same mind. He was honestly surprised they’d both made it this far without contact. Although, there had been that one time at Irving Azoff’s party. Harry had only heard a rumor of Zayn’s appearance before he left.

  
None of it mattered now anyway because Harry was going to see Zayn today. And, as Zayn’s house wasn’t far from his own, it was only a short drive before he was at the gate, deciding how best to approach the situation. There was something about requesting entrance that lacked a little drama, but there was no way around announcing himself. He rolled down the window and pressed the call button. There was a pause, a second in time where he wondered if Zayn was home, if this was even his house. That would be perfect. Harry, with all his free time, showing up at Zayn's house while he's in the studio. Still, Harry looked into the small camera by the speaker, knowing if Zayn was home, he could very clearly see who was there.

  
There was no answer, but the gate slid open slowly. Harry almost wanted to laugh at the situation. He's always known they thought alike. Saving the reunion until the last possible second. Zayn could only pretend he wasn’t one for theatrics, but Harry knew. There was a reason they’d both thrived in a boy band, a reason Zayn was doing so well now. He liked the attention just as much as Harry, he was just better at hiding it.

  
When he finally pulled into the driveway of the house, he took a real look at it. Subtle. But expensive. Of course. Zayn was already opening the front door when Harry stepped out of his car. There wasn’t any real eye contact until he got into the doorway. He looked good. His hair wasn’t too long but he had a decent beard growing. Harry had always been a sucker for that jawline and the beard only made it better. He looked so cozy in some trackies and a thick sweater, probably cold from the AC inside. He’d always gotten cold so easily. And despite his casualness, he looked mature. It had only been a few months, but he looked different.

  
Zayn welcomed him in.

  
“Hey?” It was a question just as much as a greeting. A bit of surprise and wariness. Harry hated that he couldn’t completely read his face. He’d always prided himself on his ability to read a person and Zayn usually wasn’t all that hard.

  
“Hey,” and he walked past Zayn into the house. Not much was said but it wasn’t all that strange. There was tension, both the angry kind and the kind that comes with unfamiliarity. The unfamiliarity fueled Harry’s initial anger more. It should never have been like this.

  
“What are you-- Um, you can sit in the living room over there. Do you want something to drink? I’m just gonna get some water.” Harry nodded his head and Zayn didn’t even ask what he wanted before he strode off into what Harry assumed was the kitchen.

  
Harry went to his left, in the direction Zayn had pointed the living room. Everything was decorated very modernly. The room looked unlived in, like a room for guests or dinner parties. There weren’t any dishes or clothes or shoes or notebooks or anything, a rare clean sight of Zayn’s normally chaotic, messy lifestyle. Zaybn probably saved this room for business or maybe he just didn't like it. If Harry had to guess, he’d say Zayn probably had things strewn about every other expensive piece of furniture in every pre-designed room of this house. He’d probably strewn his entire life on top of a pre-furnished house. Paint on the walls. Skateboard on the marble kitchen counter. Shoes and socks littering the hand woven rugs.

  
He was just sitting down on a white couch when Zayn returned with two glasses of water, handing one to him. He then sat down on an armchair to Harry’s right with an expectant look on his face. Harry wasn’t going to make this easy. If Zayn was expecting an apology there’d be hell to pay.

“So, I heard you got my email,” He almost stopped there but couldn’t help adding, “Not from you, of course. Read it in an interview somewhere.”

Zayn looked a little angry himself for a second and Harry almost laughed. But, they both reigned themselves in.

  
“Yeah, sorry about that. Been busy. Promoting the album and stuff.” Harry wasn’t sure if the album comment was a dig or not.

  
He wasn’t sure how to continue. This was not what he was expecting. He had thought a fight would have broken out by now. Or, maybe he thought Zayn would have been a little more sincere in his apology. There was silence while Harry looked over Zayn, looked at Zayn in his home. He could feel Zayn analyzing him as well and Harry spent a moment worrying about the state of his hair and the color of his shirt.

  
“Why are you here, Harry?”

  
This was it. “I wanted an apology.”

  
“You wanted an apology for not responding to an email? You came all the way to my house because I didn’t respond to your fucking email? It’s not my fault you didn’t have the balls to talk to me in the first place.” Zayn seemed almost smug and now Harry was really mad.

  
“I didn’t have the balls? That’s hilarious, Zayn. Yeah, I’m the one who should be apologizing for not calling or asking to talk.”

  
“I’ve tried to call! You didn’t answer!”

  
“Yeah, after. After!” Harry stood up and paced for a second. Zayn let him collect his thoughts. “What the fuck, man? You leave during the middle of a tour and don’t even try to contact me or talk to me about it until months later and you get to be mad? No, I don’t think so.”

  
Zayn was getting angry now, too, standing up and squaring off. “Yeah, that conversation would have went so well. If I would have talked to any of you beforehand, I wouldn’t have left. You’d have forced me to stay.” He pauses and the fight in his eyes has died a little when he says, “I needed some time to figure some things out.” By the end of the sentence, he looks almost drained of emotion. He’s slouching and he rests himself on the side of the armchair.

  
But Harry won’t waver even though he can feel his own anger receding. Zayn looks broken. Harry can feel himself breaking, too. Everything was just shattered and it wasn’t fair for Zayn to make him feel like this when it was his fault.

  
“Maybe you were angry. Maybe you were scared. I don’t know. You should have told me.” Harry’s voice cracked a little as he spoke and he hated that he could feel his throat closing up. The empty room felt almost cold. “I would have listened. None of us would have liked it. We all would have been mad. Louis would have still been pissed. Maybe none of them would have talked to you. But, you should have told _me_.”

  
He knew that Zayn heard the tears in his voice, the strain on his throat. Zayn is cracking, himself, and Harry can see it.

  
“I know. I did it all wrong. I know.”

  
“Do you?” If he’s doing this, Harry’s laying it all out there. “One night you’re sleeping in my bed, the next you’re gone. We’re talking about what I thought were our biggest dreams and fears and I don’t hear anything about this! None of it.”

  
They’re both quiet, Zayn appearing to absorb what Harry’s saying.  
“And now, all this shit about Liam and how you’re back on good terms. Did Liam know? Did you tell him all this shit that you never told me?” That was an old wound, one that probably shouldn’t have been reopened tonight.

Zayn gets defensive. They’ve had this conversation before, just not in so many words. “Liam’s my friend. Liam’s your friend.” Harry can hear the undercurrent of _Calm the fuck down_ laced in Zayn’s words.

  
“He is. He is your friend. You treat him like your friend. You acknowledge his existence. He calls you up and you’re back to normal. I tried and I get shit. I just don’t get you. It’s like none of it even mattered.” And, Harry’s done. He’s especially done if Zayn’s not going to apologize for choosing Liam over him. Harry had always feared that. Zayn knew that.

Without thinking any more, he walks out of the living room and to the front door. Zayn isn’t following him and he doesn’t really care. That’s not so out of character for Zayn lately.

  
He’s in his car halfway home when he gets a text.

_You’re right. I’m an idiot. I’m sorry._

He’d gotten the apology and somehow, he still didn’t feel satisfied.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> obviously i've been away for a while. not sure if anyone's interested but if you are here's another chapter.

They’d left it at that. Even though they probably shouldn’t. Harry knew Zayn and he knew that Zayn expected him to text back. But, Harry didn’t really know what to say and so he’d let the text sit unanswered for a few days. And then days had turned into weeks and then it was too late. 

So, he worried about Dunkirk and his career. He went to a few birthday parties, a lot of dinners and he started having a good time. He started experiencing his break. Making new friends, catching up with old friends. He let himself relax.

Of course, he still had days that were reserved for a little bit of melancholy. Heartbreak was something he was still working through. He wasn’t sure if heartbreak was the appropriate word, considering he and Zayn had never had anything close to what could be considered a romantic relationship. But, even so, Harry figured platonic heartbreak must exist. 

He had called Liam though. He’d apologized for the fight and Liam had said it was fine. But, Harry didn’t tell him about seeing Zayn. He hoped Zayn wouldn’t say anything either. Nothing had come of it anyway, just more confusion and anger. 

Niall had gotten back from his trip and Harry hadn’t seen him yet but he’d seen a few pictures and Niall looked happy. That had triggered a pang of nostalgia in Harry and for the first time in years, he texted the band and asked them around his house for drinks. 

Niall and Liam had each responded with a quick yes and Louis’ response had been suspiciously delayed. Harry knew it was because Louis hadn’t wanted to say yes before knowing that Liam and Niall would be there. They were still working on repairing that relationship. They’d never had a fallout but over the years they’d changed. Best to not be alone with each other for too long now. 

So, when Louis showed up to his house first, Harry was surprised and unprepared. 

“Hiya, Hazza,” he said it in a rhyming way that made Harry smile a bit. 

“Hey, Lou, come on in,” Harry stepped aside to let Louis in and noticed he’d brought a pack of beer with him so he led him into the kitchen. 

“You know, I don’t think I’ve ever been to this house,” Harry knew he hadn’t, “It’s nice.” There were sliding glass doors leading from the dining room to the back yard and Louis glanced over as they walked past. “Of course, gotta have the pool.”

“What, and you don’t have a pool?” Harry looked back at Louis and Louis smiled.

“Of course I’ve got a pool. I just said, you’ve got to have a pool.”

“That you did,” Harry opened the fridge for him and Louis set the beer inside, snagging two from the box and handing one to Harry. Harry gestured to his kitchen island and they both cracked the beers open before taking their seats. 

Before any sort of awkward silence could take hold, Harry asked, “So, what you been up to? How’s Freddie?” 

And a smile lit up Louis’ face as he grabbed for his phone to show Harry pictures. He babbled on about being a dad and Harry couldn’t help but smile at the happiness radiating off the man in front of him. Louis suddenly felt so young and so old at once. A father but so new and full of excitement. His pictures were beautiful and Harry felt a little bad about not getting a gift for Freddie when he was born. But, there was always his first birthday.

“Anyway, I know looking at baby pictures gets boring after a while so I’ll spare you. What about you? Heard about the movie. The big leagues. Tell me Harry, does iCarly compare?” Louis’ eyes were twinkling a little as he joked. 

“Well, I haven’t done much yet but I think filming’s starting up in a few months. Gotta cut my hair,” Louis fake gasped at the mention of his hair and Harry rolled his eyes. 

“I haven’t really been doing much, just enjoying myself.”

“Yeah,” and the conversation died quickly after that. Harry was really wondering where Liam and Niall were as he and Louis sipped their beers in silence. He never could stand silence. Which was probably the only explanation for the topic of conversation he decided to bring up next.

“Have you listened to Zayn’s album?” He had only been halfway through the sentence before he regretted starting it but for some idiotic reason, he’d forged ahead. 

To his credit, Louis didn’t immediately react in anger but in confusion, “What?” and then “No!” and then “Have you?”

“Yeah, a few times. It’s not bad.”

Louis really didn’t want to hear that, “Bet he said ‘fuck’ in every song didn’t he? I’d bet actual money on that.”

“Well, it wasn’t every song,” Harry had to smile as he said it because it wasn’t a bad bet for Louis to make. It felt good to talk about Zayn’s album and not feel so much anger or sadness. 

Louis snorted, “Yeah I think I’ll pass on that one. Payno’s been talking to him. Don’t know why but he has.” 

“Yeah, he tried to get me to apologize to him.”  
Louis looked at him a little critically and said, “Did you?”

Harry paused for a bit before breathing out, “Yeah.”

Just a raise of Louis’ eyebrows and Harry was off, “And he was a giant dick. Didn’t apologize. Didn’t really say anything other than ‘why are you here?’ Huge waste of my time.”

“Figures. Did you see all that bullshit about him trying to call us and us not answering?” Harry should have known Louis had been paying some attention to Zayn. No one just lets go that easily. It wasn’t a surprise Louis had been reading up. 

“Yeah, like we’re the ones in the wrong?” Harry asked. Finally someone who understood. No one else had been angry like Harry had. 

“I think he called me a grand total of one time. I got one stupid little apology voicemail and I’m supposed to act like he’s the bigger man?” That stopped Harry short. Zayn hadn’t left him a voicemail. Just a few missed calls. 

Louis continued to rant about the voicemail but Harry tuned him out. He couldn’t listen to any more about how Zayn had tried harder with Louis than Harry. Louis had publically criticized him and Zayn had called anyway. How was that fair?

The doorbell rang as Louis continued to rant and Harry hoped it wasn’t Liam because he didn’t want to have another fight over Zayn. He left Louis in the kitchen to go get the door and found that Liam and Niall had come together. By the time he got back to the kitchen, Louis must have decided to abandon talk of Zayn in favor of not offending Liam. Harry was thankful. He just wanted to forget about Zayn for a night.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so it has been longer than ever and i know ive not been consistent but life has really gotten in the way a lot recently. also, to be honest, after so long away i sort of forgot some of the plot and got scared to go back and read my own writing to find out where id left off. it wasnt complete torture but i am truly never satisfied. thank you to anyone who has read or commented. it means the world.
> 
> oh and im sorry zayn's not in this one. i will do my best to make sure he has an appearance in the next chapter!

Harry didn’t have more than one beer that night. The last time he’d drunk anything more than a few beers had really been the last night of the tour. That had not gone over well. He wasn’t often the sad drunk but that night he had been at his worst. The only good thing about it had been that he hadn’t been the only one.

He honestly didn’t remember much about the night but one of the highlights had been seeing Liam get teary-eyed staring at old pictures on Lou Teasdale’s phone. Liam never cried. There was a bit of vindication there. Harry had always been known as one of the weepier members of the band.

Sitting in his living room with hid former band mates was drawing up some of that weepy nostalgia without the extra alcohol. So, he held back. Niall was drunk off of three beers, which Louis found hilarious.

“Irish blood’s doing nothing tonight,” he said, staring in mock amazement as Niall’s cheeks turned more red with each passing moment.

“Fuck off, it’s been a while since I’ve had anything.”

“What? Do they not have beer in South Asia?”

Niall looked a little forlorn at the mention of it, “They did. I just didn’t get to drink much of it. You know what you learn when you go on holiday with people you’ve never been on a trip with? Maybe it’s just me—I usually learn that I’m the only one who knows how to read directions or keep track of time.” Niall had always been the organized one. Harry came in a close second, but Niall was especially particular.

“How is it that I’ve known you for 6 or 7 years and I didn’t realize that being on time was more important to you than beer?”

Niall just smiled, “Careful or I’ll think you’ve finally bought into my boy band stereotype.”

Harry and Liam exchanged a smile while Niall and Louis continued to bicker. Harry was tempted to mouth _Sorry_ over the top of Niall’s head- still a little embarrassed about their argument from a few weeks ago. But, as Harry spent a moment thinking it over, Liam seemed to catch on and waved him off.

“Right,” Louis announced, “time for a break.” He headed for the sliding doors to Harry’s backyard and Niall headed to the kitchen for his fourth beer.

Harry and Liam were left alone. Liam pointed to the guitar propped against the far wall of the living room, “Been meaning to ask, you been playing at all?”

“A bit,” Harry said, “Decided to take a break from the studio for a while though. Focus on the movie before I jump back in. Felt a little forced for a while.”

“I know what you mean, I’ve been thinking of taking a break myself,” Liam replied, “I feel like I’m trying so hard to prove myself or something. I don’t even know who I’m trying to prove myself to, though.”

Harry looked at Liam. Prepared, worked-his-whole-life-for-this Liam Payne talking about taking a break from the studio. He didn’t want to say it but when had Liam ever not felt like he had something to prove? Still, he could tell Liam had mellowed out over the years and even as he sat here talking to Harry about proving himself, he looked more relaxed than he ever had in One Direction.

Louis and Niall did, too. Everyone looked rested. Everyone looked unhurried and calm. Sometimes when he thought back to a year ago, it was hard to believe they had managed to maintain the schedule they had.

“Exactly,” He said, “We’ve got time, though. A little break won’t hurt us.”

Niall and Louis came back in.

“Nice pool out back, H,” Niall said.

“Gotta have a pool,” Harry mimicked and Louis laughed.

~~~

When everyone else had gone home, Harry flicked through pictures Niall had emailed to everyone over the weeks he was gone. Despite his complaints, he looked happy and carefree. Finally visiting all the places they’d never really got to see.

He emailed Jeff, “I was thinking for the album, maybe getting out of LA. Can we find somewhere secluded. I feel like I need to be a little more immersed.” It was late and he wouldn’t get a response for a while but as soon as the thought occurred to him, he knew it was a good idea.

Seeing everyone so calm like that and then being forced to stare at himself in the mirror as he brushed his teeth before bed had been eye opening. He could still see the faint trace of bruising underneath his eyes from lack of sleep. There was a bit of paleness in his face. He’d been inside too much lately, afraid to venture out and get hounded about his solo career plans.

He’d thought it was stress about the upcoming movie and maybe some of it was. But, he was starting to realize that maybe he needed to let go a bit. Stop worrying about what life was going to be like after One Direction and start living life after One Direction.

He thought about Liam admitting he was trying to live up to media expectations and deciding he should look past that. He thought about Niall taking a legitimate break and Louis practically laughing through any issue he’s had with Zayn. Months ago, Harry wouldn’t have dared to even bring Zayn up in conversation with Louis for fear of an explosion. Everyone had sort of moved on in their own way.

As much as Harry had always been a bit flighty—he could admit that to himself—work had always been his constant. One Direction had been his foundation. And yes, he hadn’t had much freedom but sometimes it had felt nice to just be along for the ride. It had felt good to know it wasn’t all in his hands. All this down time had given him too much time to contemplate his next move, too much time to wait in anticipation, too much time to mull over any career decisions.

So, yes, he’d film Dunkirk. Get back into work mode. He’d find a secluded place to record the album, focus his energy on that. Make it his and only his.


End file.
